I’m not a naturally political person, but this whole Wikileaks thing has really gotten me on board with the concept of Catholic Spring. I haven’t read the entire email chain that mentioned it, but I am all over that idea. What could be better than a specifically Catholic bath soap? If Irish Spring could do it back in the day, why can’t we?

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Can’t you just see it? Catholic Spring, all the smells and bells of Christendom coming together in an ecclesial cloud of cleanliness—which is next to you-know-what.

Catholic Spring could be the official soap of the showers for the homeless at the Vatican…and maybe even at the famous Catholic cafeteria people are always talking about. Having eaten there myself from time to time over the years, I can tell you that a good wash-up is always called for afterward.

(Note to R&D and Marketing: Maybe there’s a toothpaste idea here. Catholic Spring leaves your mouth feeling fresh-from-the-confessional clean. Kick it around. Just spitballing here.)

The laity would go crazy for Catholic Spring.

Schools could sell soap instead of candy bars for fundraisers…or it could be the official soap of homeschooling. Of course, I suppose the regulators will make us put a “do not eat” warning on the wrapper.

Catholic men’s groups could have contests making carvings out of bars of Catholic Spring. 4th Degree Knights of Columbus could play cool games trying to catch a bar on the tip of a sword. The shavings could be collected for a nationwide contest to see which Council can create the largest ball of soap remnants.

Oh, the possibilities! Famous Catholics could get behind the product.

Peggy Normandin could change the name of her show from Call me Catholic to I Smell Catholic, brought to you by Catholic Spring.

Father Mitch Pacwa says, “It washes away everything except the stains on your soul!”

(Note to R&D: Catholic Spring Soul & Body Wash? Maybe not. Check with Doctrine & Dogma on feasibility.)

Fr. Michael Gaitley could write a hygiene book, 33 Days to Catholic Springtime Freshness.

Patrick Coffin could pretend to interview a bar of Catholic Spring online, with delightful curmudgeon Dr. Ray Guarendi providing the soap’s voice.

I’m not saying everybody will be happy with Catholic Spring. The far-right Catholic press will say, “It’s only 99 and 44/100 percent orthodox!” The far-left press will run editorials like, “Clean House Before Cleaning the Faithful.”

Still, maybe Catholic Spring could be the unifier that brings people back to doctrine.

(Note to marketing: Joe Biden and Paul Ryan have a “Sonic guys” conversation about Catholic Spring after having each used it to wash his hands during a party at the Vatican embassy in Washington.)

There’s no doubt Catholic Spring would be as popular as those Wikileaks emails said it would be, but to ensure demand, it might be smart to attach a sense of entitlement to the product. So it’ll only be APPROVED for use by the laity, where the primary reason for Catholic Spring is to give bishops a uniform method for washing out the mouths of Catholic politicians who mangle Church teaching.

(Note to Marketing: Nancy Pelosi removes a bar of Catholic Spring from her mouth, looks toward camera and says, “Orthodox, yes. But I like it, too!”)

Personally, I can’t wait for Catholic Spring.

 

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